Characters: Ruby's "thoughts", Sam, Dean & the angels mentioned
Spoilers: Set just after episode 410 - Heaven & Hell
Summary: A drabble (not word count) of Ruby's thoughts & feelings. Random possibilities, somewhat inspired by Paramore's song Decode (Twilight OST), as the last line will tell.
Ruby sighed softly, running a hand through her hair. True she’d chosen Sam, to follow and to serve, knowing he was a hunter, but things were not supposed to have turned out like this. She seemed to be becoming more and more human, weaker and weaker, and in those few moments she allowed herself to think about it, it drove her mad. It also made her wonder if the host made a difference, not really in affecting them directly, but in that possessing someone, controlling them, made it so much easier to be strong.
The question of whether part of this new found ‘gentleness’ was because the body was just hers had come up a few times, and each time it made her want to ditch the body for another, if for no other reason than to find out if the theory held any merit. She wouldn’t of course, because Sam wouldn’t like that. He accepted this body because no-one else was getting hurt, being denied the right to live their own life. Sam wanted her human, wanted to forget what she was, while using and abusing the fact that she was a demon.
She didn’t mind though, not really, though she missed their time alone. She liked Sam taking the initiative, liked him commanding her, acting like the leader he was supposed to be. She was trying to convince him to be strong, but now that Dean had returned, Sam seemed to be intent on being weak again. Still, she would keep trying, as much as Sam would allow her to. Dean didn’t understand, didn’t appreciate how strong Sam was, when the idiot stopped doubting himself.
Dean was a problem, though perhaps after their latest encounters he might not try to push Sam away from her quite as hard as he had been. She doubted he would ever really stop trying to separate them, he would never accept a demon near his brother. That was down to his own weakness and fear though, it didn’t really reflect on Sam, though it did affect him, far more than she liked. Sam trusted his brother, practically worshipped him, and if Dean was afraid of him and what he was doing, Sam wouldn’t do it.
Her actions and reactions were okay really, because she was doing and being what Sam wanted. As much as it drove her mad sometimes that she didn’t fly at him anymore, didn’t have the same sarcastic, sassy nature she did when she first met him, she could ignore that, because it made him happy. Dean and the angels would never understand how it worked, how much stronger and devoted demons were, they would always suspect her of foul intentions.
That was okay though, and really, she kind of wished they were right, then she might feel like she had some control over things again. The truth however, was that everything she did was for Sam, for his will and his well-being. She would do and give anything to keep him safe and she knew that if he told her to go back to hell and meant it, that she would do it. As much as she hated to be weak, she had chosen to follow and serve him, no matter what his will was and she would do it. She would give her all to ensure Sam was safe and got what he wanted.
Things were getting difficult now though and she was all too aware of just how much trouble she was in, though she wasn’t sure the boys really appreciated her situation. Then again, maybe they did and just didn’t care, that was highly likely. They hadn’t really seemed to think anything of her injuries or how generally lousy she looked after her encounter with Alistair. Sometimes she couldn’t help but wonder what it would take for them to appreciate just how much she went through for them.
Being a demon, going back to hell was an inevitability, something she couldn’t avoid forever, no matter how much she wanted to. She had, as far as they were concerned, betrayed all demon-kind by helping Sam and that was before she went back to hell when Dean did. Since then, she’d lied to and ‘betrayed’ Lilith, taught Sam how to use his power, helped an angel and got Alistair in some sort of trouble, though unfortunately not gone permanently.
When she went back downstairs she was well and truly screwed. They would never forgive her actions and she would stay in the nastiest corners, suffering the worst torture they could come up with for the rest of eternity. There would be no relief, no getting off the rack, just permanent anguish. She was looking forward to that so much, really she was, and did she think the boys could care any less about it, no, not really. They didn’t seem to want to fathom just how much they owed her, not that she intended to ask for a return, but some gratitude or acknowledgement would be nice.
Sometimes she really wished Dean hadn’t come back from hell, but mostly, she just wished the angels hadn’t interfered, hadn’t scared the boys with their threats. She knew how much Sam cared for his brother, so she wouldn’t want to keep Dean from Sam, not really, as much as she wasn’t exactly a fan of the arrogant, closed-minded pig. She missed Sam though, missed it being the two of them, missed his trust and attention. She tried not to let the question form, but she had wondered from time to time if it had gone past loyalty and servitude, if she had fallen in love with him.
It didn’t really matter if she had, she supposed, since that would just make her job easier. As long as Sam didn’t get too attached to her it was fine, if he had feelings for her though, that would complicate matters badly. As long as he was willing to use her, to let her do anything to protect him, including sacrificing herself, it would be fine, but if he were to put himself at risk for her…no, no, that was not acceptable.
Maybe the situation wasn’t so bad then, if it kept him distanced from her, as much as she hated it, as much as she wanted to stay by his side. If it kept him from having yet another weakness, one that could cost them both far too much, it was for the best. She knew he had wanted to help her in the cabin when Uriel had attacked her, but he hadn’t. He’d had the sense not to get involved, not to risk their fury for a demon, she was glad for that. She was glad for Dean’s help too though; she really didn’t want to go back downstairs if she didn’t have to.
She wasn’t really sure what to do now though, as much as she would never let the boys know that. All she could really do was continue trying to protect Sam, while staying out of the way of the angels. She would nag and tempt him to use his powers along the way of course, because even if the boys couldn’t appreciate the fact, it was for his own good. Sam needed to be able to protect himself and she knew it was only a matter of time before the angels went after him.
She was sure they would have told Dean that as long as Sam didn’t use his power, they would leave him alone. She didn’t believe it for a minute though, they were beyond prejudiced when it came to anything that wasn’t one of their own or human. They would kill Sam eventually because the blood he held, even though he was far kinder and purer than Dean, even though he was the one who had believed in and prayed to their god. No, the angels weren’t to be trusted; Sam needed to be strong enough so they couldn’t hurt him. That was what they really feared after all, not being able to smite him when the time came.
Speaking of angels, didn’t anyone else find the whole set-up strange? Not allowed to think for themselves, not allowed to feel anything, not allowed to question, not allowed to forgive, or accept there could be light even in the darkest of places. That kind of control was seen in the human world under major tyrants, not good rulers. Then there was the whole, thou shall be destroyed if you stray even slightly from those rules. Definitely didn’t seem like a good set up to be under, nor that their god was a particularly nice guy.
No, Ruby decided she was definitely better off as a demon. Sure the pit was a nasty place to be, but getting topside, that was something else and it certainly made you appreciate everything so much more. Feeling could be very bad downstairs, but not feeling anything at all? No, she would rather all the pain for a chance to feel the good stuff too. What was the point in existing rather than living? Emotions were what defined being alive; the angels were more like puppets than living beings.
It was okay she supposed, no matter what unpleasant things were waiting for her, as long as she tried her best and made the most of her time topside with Sam. She would risk anything, go through anything for him. Besides, maybe there would be salvation waiting for her at the end of it all. Maybe the others couldn’t see it, or maybe they just didn’t want to, but she could see something in him, sure it might get her killed, but more than anything she wanted it to be true.